11/22/15

 Ruts...and comfort zones...

ok. so for those of you who know me well, know that while I am friendly and I have many friends, making friends is not easy for me.  I also do not like to go places that are unfamiliar or that I haven’t been or where there are going to be people that I do not know.  So, going to college is hard.  Going to parties is hard.  Going to new places alone is hard.  

I was recently invited to a birthday party of a new friend.  While getting the invite was exiting…the thought of going scared the shet out of me.  

Normally, I would talk myself out of going through out the day.  I typically sit on the fence about going to events, getting up in the morning and being excited about having plans and by the time comes around, realizing that I do not want to leave my home and make small talk with people.

I was pretty much set on not going.  Then I remembered that I need to get out and do things.  I need to take chances.  I did not move to MKE to hide in my apartment during my free time.  If I want to network and meet people and make friends, I need to leave my apartment. 

I went to the party.  I danced (ok only a little) at the party.  I had fun!  I made the small talk.  It felt good.  I remembered how much I do enjoy these things and I need to do more of them.  

Stepping out of our comfort zones can be terrifying.  It can cause anxiety for us.  In the end, it can be just what is needed to get out of a rut that we are stuck in.  

So here is to taking more chances and getting out of our comfortable ruts :)

Megan

Sometimes (the devil wins)

8-6-15

This fall marks the sixth year I have been in college.  It is my last year.  This journey has been wonderful and I have learned so much.  The problem is I have given up so much too.  My friendships have been placed on pause, I have taken a step back at work and turned jobs down that I could do so well, I have given up my free time and have moved to a city - that I love - but where I know very few people.  So as I reflect on this last year of college, I know it is going to be the hardest year yet - student teaching, college class and working.... I have been reflecting on all that I have lost.  

I have lost spending time with my daughter and her growing family - in person.  Skype is great but it is not the same.

I have lost being there for friends who need me.  Losses of loved ones and other milestones I gave up the right to be a part of by moving.

I have gotten off track with my passion to create cards or scrapbooks or crafty things I have made in the past.  

I have lost the desire to read anything for pleasure.  It is all learning at this point.

As I reflected on these things - I realized that I let the devil win, sometimes.  There are so many other people who have lost loved ones and dear friends for various reasons.  There are friends who do not speak over petty arguments.  There are relationships that end because of miscommunication.  

Sometimes, I have my moments of doubt - but only because I let the devil in and take over my thoughts.  This has been one of the hardest years of my life, but only because I have stumbled in my faith.  I am a working in progress and am making my way back to the right path.

While I have paused many things in my life, it is just a pause.  I will be able to spend time with my daughter and her family more often after this last year.

I will be able to reconnect with my friends that I miss so much.

I will become creative again and will find books that will be worth reading for pleasure.

These last six years have taught me more than History or about Teaching.  

I have met new friends and made some great connections.

I have found my calling in life - teaching.  

I have learned to be on my own in a new city and have been brave enough to strike up conversation with strangers.  

The future holds great things and I have faith that the One who holds my future will make my doubts disappear.

                                                Megan

7-18-15

Social Media....

I did something this morning that I had never intended to do.  I created a Twitter account.  

I did it because my all time favorite cartoon character came out of retirement and was Tweeting.  Opus the Penguin from Bloom County re-emerged on Monday 7-13-15 after a 25 year hiatus.  Opus the Penguin helped teach me some sarcasm and a little about politics.  I was ecstatic to have him re-emerge onto Facebook and just had to follow him on Twitter.  

So I created my Twitter account for a fictional, old, beloved bird.  

When I created my Facebook account it was to keep up with the teenagers that I had come to know in youth group who were heading off to college.  I wanted to make sure that I was still able to watch them grow and become adults and have families and houses.  

Facebook quickly became something that spread into every aspect of my life.  Youth group, friends, family, coworkers, long lost friends... people that I rarely speak to in person.  I am picky about who I “friend” and I rarely just send off a “friend request”.  I usually ask permission from the person first.  

I have an Instagram account because I sometimes do not use my Facebook - I take a break every now and again, and I had adorable grandson pictures to post!  

So with all of this social media, it does scare me that people are losing touch with the real things that happen in life.  Real interactions.  

For Introverts (which I am), it is an easy way to make excuses to not go out into the world.  All of our “friends” can see our lives unfolding in front of them without leaving the couch and vice versa.  It provides a socially acceptable reason to be anti-social.  That scares me too....

On the flip side of that, how amazing it is to live in a world were we can stay in touch without having to take long road trips and adventures.  When people post on any of social media app, they are inviting you to be a part of their life - their wins, their losses, their joy and their sadness.  Even if these people are not close to you, it still means that in some way, your lives have touched and that they still want you in it - if even from afar.

With all of that said.... I am going to keep my Twitter account, even if I never have followers and only follow Opus the Penguin.  Maybe he can teach me more about this social media as he learns about it.  :)

Thanks for reading yet another form of social media - the blog ;)  Megan

Downtime

4-4-15

Going back to school and working almost full time to full time for the last five years has left me with little downtime.  I took this weekend off to get ahead on my homework and I have learned that I am not good at having nothing to do.  I should be out exploring Milwaukee and what it has to offer on this nice weekend but I didn’t want to lose my good parking spot and I didn’t want to get dressed.  

I need to learn to put aside my fears of being out by myself and learn to get out.  Some days though I just want to not leave my apartment (which I love) and I need to decompress from spending time with seventh graders, college kids and coworkers.  

However, watching two seasons of “House of Cards” in two days is a bit extreme.

So with summer looming in the near future, I am going to have to set plans to get out and do things.  I really want to see the Art Museum, go to a Brewers game, wander around my neighborhood and find local shops that I like.  

I know that I can do this.... it is just a matter of time. :)

Megan

3/1/15
    “Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same” -
All at Once, The Fray
    So in life, we happen across people who make a difference in our lives little by little and suddenly we cannot imagine life without them.  Then they step away from us and the relationship changes.  You are stuck there and your jaw has dropped and you are spinning.  While the change was looming over you, and while you saw it in coming up on you in the rearview, it still hurts and it still stings and it just is something you struggle with.  There are days that go by and you are great, fine, and do not think about how the changes have been made or how the changes have hurt.  Then there are the days where you cannot think correctly and you act like a fool and you cannot breathe....  this person who was not the one you wanted to be the one, this person who you did not think would matter so much - matters so much.  You struggle and are heartbroken each time that you have to see them or cross their path.  Yet they want to continue this but on their terms and only if you can act like nothing matters and that you do not care.  All you want is for them to be happy and even if you cannot make them happy - it is what is important to you.  Your own happiness needs to be set aside so you can make sure that they are happy.  Somedays this is easy to do and there are the days where making their happiness is like a 1,000 pound weight that you cannot bear.  You cannot tell this person the struggle you have because you are ashamed of it and feel that they will not understand.  Putting on that smile so they think everything is ok, is all you can do to get through.  While life moves forward and every day brings new challenges and changes, there are days when you still cannot breathe at the thought of this person because your feelings are still there.  So while you need to allow the relationship to continue on their terms and you still only want their happiness, it becomes the hardest thing and the right thing at the same time.  Sometimes, being able to watch them become happy without you, while you still cheer on the sidelines of their life, makes you happy too.
                                        Megan

1/5/15

OH MY GOSH it is 2015!!!

I am glad that 2014 is over.  I am blessed to have had my grandchild, LJ, born in 2014, but the rest of the year needed to end.  

So many changes and so many scary things happened in 2014.

Changing friendships.  Some for the good and some for the bad.

Change in my dating outlook.  This is soooo for the good.

Changes in relationships with my family.  It is interesting......

2014 was a very emotionally turbulent year for me.  

The start of 2015 has only been positive for me.  A new city, a new apartment, the light at the end of the tunnel for my Education.... All very scary and exciting.

I am ready to leave the emotion and the heartache of 2014 behind me and start new and “scary” adventures :)

I wish all of you well as your new year starts - and try something different - at least once.  It really is a good thing!

Lots of love, 

Megan

12/19/14

Leaving

I have called Green Bay for 98% of my life.  I lived in Plover for eight months when my daughter was one, and then in Waukesha for eleven months when my daughter was turning two. 
Leaving a place that I know well is frightening.  

I know my way around both the east and west side - and to some people that live here they know that is not always accomplished by people.  There are “east siders” and “west siders”.  

I do not know Milwaukee at all.  I mean, when I was down there last month for two days looking at apartments, I got to see the neighborhood I will be living in but... it isn’t the same.  

It is uncomfortable.  

and I am frightened.  

and that makes me emotional.  and I HATE IT.  

I have not been a good friend this year.  ok - honestly for the last four years.  I have given up my friendships and social life for school.  To pursue my dream.  My purpose.  

I thought this summer would be the summer that I could make up for my lack of time.

It did not live up to my expectations.  and that is my fault.  Expectations are the root of all heartache.  I need to learn to not expect.  

So - to those who I have put aside, I am truly sorry.  I love you.  and I will miss you everyday (because I already do and living in another city will make me miss you more).

I am leaving because I need / have this desire / am called to.  

I have this purpose to teach kids in high school.  Those kids that no one wants to teach.  “Inner city kids.”  Kids who come from broken homes. Kids who are not believed in.  Kids that are forgotten by their neighbors, their cities, their government and sometimes their families.  Kids who will someday make decisions about the world that we live in.  Kids that have hope.  Kids that will go out into the world and cause change for everyone.  

I am excited beyond words.  

I am also emotional - so if you see me in the next ten days and I start crying - it isn’t personal, it’s cleansing my soul of my imperfections as a friend.  and the fact that I am frightened to be alone in a large city I do not know......but I will learn it! :)

Merry Christmas to your families and safe travels.  <3 Megan