Downtime

4-4-15

Going back to school and working almost full time to full time for the last five years has left me with little downtime.  I took this weekend off to get ahead on my homework and I have learned that I am not good at having nothing to do.  I should be out exploring Milwaukee and what it has to offer on this nice weekend but I didn’t want to lose my good parking spot and I didn’t want to get dressed.  

I need to learn to put aside my fears of being out by myself and learn to get out.  Some days though I just want to not leave my apartment (which I love) and I need to decompress from spending time with seventh graders, college kids and coworkers.  

However, watching two seasons of “House of Cards” in two days is a bit extreme.

So with summer looming in the near future, I am going to have to set plans to get out and do things.  I really want to see the Art Museum, go to a Brewers game, wander around my neighborhood and find local shops that I like.  

I know that I can do this.... it is just a matter of time. :)

Megan

3/1/15
    “Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same” -
All at Once, The Fray
    So in life, we happen across people who make a difference in our lives little by little and suddenly we cannot imagine life without them.  Then they step away from us and the relationship changes.  You are stuck there and your jaw has dropped and you are spinning.  While the change was looming over you, and while you saw it in coming up on you in the rearview, it still hurts and it still stings and it just is something you struggle with.  There are days that go by and you are great, fine, and do not think about how the changes have been made or how the changes have hurt.  Then there are the days where you cannot think correctly and you act like a fool and you cannot breathe....  this person who was not the one you wanted to be the one, this person who you did not think would matter so much - matters so much.  You struggle and are heartbroken each time that you have to see them or cross their path.  Yet they want to continue this but on their terms and only if you can act like nothing matters and that you do not care.  All you want is for them to be happy and even if you cannot make them happy - it is what is important to you.  Your own happiness needs to be set aside so you can make sure that they are happy.  Somedays this is easy to do and there are the days where making their happiness is like a 1,000 pound weight that you cannot bear.  You cannot tell this person the struggle you have because you are ashamed of it and feel that they will not understand.  Putting on that smile so they think everything is ok, is all you can do to get through.  While life moves forward and every day brings new challenges and changes, there are days when you still cannot breathe at the thought of this person because your feelings are still there.  So while you need to allow the relationship to continue on their terms and you still only want their happiness, it becomes the hardest thing and the right thing at the same time.  Sometimes, being able to watch them become happy without you, while you still cheer on the sidelines of their life, makes you happy too.
                                        Megan

1/5/15

OH MY GOSH it is 2015!!!

I am glad that 2014 is over.  I am blessed to have had my grandchild, LJ, born in 2014, but the rest of the year needed to end.  

So many changes and so many scary things happened in 2014.

Changing friendships.  Some for the good and some for the bad.

Change in my dating outlook.  This is soooo for the good.

Changes in relationships with my family.  It is interesting......

2014 was a very emotionally turbulent year for me.  

The start of 2015 has only been positive for me.  A new city, a new apartment, the light at the end of the tunnel for my Education.... All very scary and exciting.

I am ready to leave the emotion and the heartache of 2014 behind me and start new and “scary” adventures :)

I wish all of you well as your new year starts - and try something different - at least once.  It really is a good thing!

Lots of love, 

Megan

12/19/14

Leaving

I have called Green Bay for 98% of my life.  I lived in Plover for eight months when my daughter was one, and then in Waukesha for eleven months when my daughter was turning two. 
Leaving a place that I know well is frightening.  

I know my way around both the east and west side - and to some people that live here they know that is not always accomplished by people.  There are “east siders” and “west siders”.  

I do not know Milwaukee at all.  I mean, when I was down there last month for two days looking at apartments, I got to see the neighborhood I will be living in but... it isn’t the same.  

It is uncomfortable.  

and I am frightened.  

and that makes me emotional.  and I HATE IT.  

I have not been a good friend this year.  ok - honestly for the last four years.  I have given up my friendships and social life for school.  To pursue my dream.  My purpose.  

I thought this summer would be the summer that I could make up for my lack of time.

It did not live up to my expectations.  and that is my fault.  Expectations are the root of all heartache.  I need to learn to not expect.  

So - to those who I have put aside, I am truly sorry.  I love you.  and I will miss you everyday (because I already do and living in another city will make me miss you more).

I am leaving because I need / have this desire / am called to.  

I have this purpose to teach kids in high school.  Those kids that no one wants to teach.  “Inner city kids.”  Kids who come from broken homes. Kids who are not believed in.  Kids that are forgotten by their neighbors, their cities, their government and sometimes their families.  Kids who will someday make decisions about the world that we live in.  Kids that have hope.  Kids that will go out into the world and cause change for everyone.  

I am excited beyond words.  

I am also emotional - so if you see me in the next ten days and I start crying - it isn’t personal, it’s cleansing my soul of my imperfections as a friend.  and the fact that I am frightened to be alone in a large city I do not know......but I will learn it! :)

Merry Christmas to your families and safe travels.  <3 Megan

Big Changes

11/14/14

I spent Tuesday and Wednesday day exploring Milwaukee apartments.  I knew that my search would require more research and time than if I was just staying in Green Bay.  I took a friend for support, help and fun.  We viewed nineteen apartments.  All sizes, from 175 square feet to an amazing one bedroom with hardwood floors and high ceilings that was about $150 over my budget.  I feel in love with two of them, and of course they were the ones I cannot afford (hardwood floors and character).  I felt at home in two of them, and they are in my budget and I have applied for those.  Those are in the same neighborhood, about eight blocks apart, south of the university and close to the lake.  :)

I also received my acceptance letter to the School of Education on Monday.  

So it’s go time. 

I need to just secure a move in date and then pack.  I thought I would be freaked out about all of this.  I am not.  Change is something that I have learned to welcome in my life lately.  The last six or so years have taught me a lot about change.

I am nervous to move to Milwaukee.  None of the apartments we looked at offered free parking for tenants, prices ranged from $45 to $115.... so I will stress about finding a parking spot until spring probably.  I am nervous about doing this alone.  This is probably the push I need to break free of bad friendships and reconnect with good friends.  It is a change for me to learn to trust people again.  I am going to have to make friends in Milwaukee, and I will have to do so with my guard up but I am going to have to learn to step out from behind it once in a while.

All of this is scary and exciting!  I found this quote the other day and I am going to post it somewhere in my new apartment:  “I always did something I was a little not ready to do.  I think that’s how you grow.  When there’s that moment of ‘Wow, I’m not really sure I can do this’ and you push through those moments, that’s when you have a breakthrough.”  - Marissa Mayer.  Yep, I am not sure I can do this and am pushing through despite that uncertainty.

                                   <3  Megan

Acceptance

7/19/14

Acceptance from others is something I have struggled with my whole life.  I want to be smart enough, tall enough, pretty enough, bold enough, enough of whatever they want me to be.  With some people in my life it has been a lifelong process.  It has taken me almost forty years to figure out that I do not need their acceptance.  I need to accept myself as I am.  God created me uniquely and if that is not enough for another person than that person is just a written line in my story, and I should not try to make it a chapter, because they will only hold me back.  My journey needs to be about how I fulfill the purpose God created in me.  

This morning I woke up sobbing because I have not given this need to God.  I realized that some people will just not accept me for who I am, where I am in my journey.  By not handing it to God, I was still holding on to hope that one day I would be enough for these people.  I am ready to give it to God and move forward to serve my purpose.  

I am enough.  I am beautiful - inside and outside.  I am smart.  I can face the challenges that are laid out for me in the journey of my life written specifically by God.  

Mandy Hale, who has been an inspiration for me as of late, posted this on Instagram the other day, “Forgive me for picking up what I’ve already laid down at your feet.”  This is so true.  How often do we ask God to take our struggle and then we continue to struggle with it here?  I do not plan on picking this struggle up again.  I will always have good and bad days about my looks, but I know that God created me and in his eyes I am gorgeous!

Have a terrific day!

Megan :)

7/11/14

Those who know me understand that I do not speak my mind openly and I tend to keep my opinions, ideas and problems to myself.  I like to think that I keep more inside than the normal person.  I do not have close friends who listen to my ranting about issues that occur.  With this being said, lately, my voice has emerged and I have found myself saying things that would offend even me.  I have learned that I need to be honest with people and this will not always be pleasant for them but it is necessary for growth - in them and mostly in me.  I have come to realize that I do not want to “pretend” to be friends with anyone anymore.  Fake promises, fake relationship status and fake people need to be evicted from my everyday life.  Other bloggers or people I follow on social media have all been saying the same thing - evict these negative people from your life.  I have become more bold in my words and to be honest, I expect people to do the same for me.  I want to know if I have offended someone, and I want to know if I am of value to my friends.  I have spent many years feeling that I have no value and there are days that I still struggle with that.  Everyone we meet, cross paths with or even smile at, has value in our everyday.  I value my friends honesty and truth and ability to help me grow as a person.  

The devil reminds me everyday of my failures and how I am not of value.  What is so very amazing to me, is in the same thought or breath, God reminds me of how unique I am and how valuable I am.  I am made in Gods image and God does NOT make junk.  I am put on this earth to have purpose, a purpose to better this earth from when I arrived. To make others feel valuable.  To be honest and truthful to those I love and cherish.  

Obviously, I have struggled with a few relationships this year as the last two posts have been about them.  This year has brought many challenges in relationships for me and has closed many doors.  I am grateful for each of them and I look forward to what else is in store for me.  Even though I am so very afraid of the doors that will close (or slam shut in my face).  

This journey of life is scary and every day, I will continue to do something to conquer my fears, no matter how small it may be. :)

Megan