12/19/14

Leaving

I have called Green Bay for 98% of my life.  I lived in Plover for eight months when my daughter was one, and then in Waukesha for eleven months when my daughter was turning two. 
Leaving a place that I know well is frightening.  

I know my way around both the east and west side - and to some people that live here they know that is not always accomplished by people.  There are “east siders” and “west siders”.  

I do not know Milwaukee at all.  I mean, when I was down there last month for two days looking at apartments, I got to see the neighborhood I will be living in but... it isn’t the same.  

It is uncomfortable.  

and I am frightened.  

and that makes me emotional.  and I HATE IT.  

I have not been a good friend this year.  ok - honestly for the last four years.  I have given up my friendships and social life for school.  To pursue my dream.  My purpose.  

I thought this summer would be the summer that I could make up for my lack of time.

It did not live up to my expectations.  and that is my fault.  Expectations are the root of all heartache.  I need to learn to not expect.  

So - to those who I have put aside, I am truly sorry.  I love you.  and I will miss you everyday (because I already do and living in another city will make me miss you more).

I am leaving because I need / have this desire / am called to.  

I have this purpose to teach kids in high school.  Those kids that no one wants to teach.  “Inner city kids.”  Kids who come from broken homes. Kids who are not believed in.  Kids that are forgotten by their neighbors, their cities, their government and sometimes their families.  Kids who will someday make decisions about the world that we live in.  Kids that have hope.  Kids that will go out into the world and cause change for everyone.  

I am excited beyond words.  

I am also emotional - so if you see me in the next ten days and I start crying - it isn’t personal, it’s cleansing my soul of my imperfections as a friend.  and the fact that I am frightened to be alone in a large city I do not know......but I will learn it! :)

Merry Christmas to your families and safe travels.  <3 Megan

Big Changes

11/14/14

I spent Tuesday and Wednesday day exploring Milwaukee apartments.  I knew that my search would require more research and time than if I was just staying in Green Bay.  I took a friend for support, help and fun.  We viewed nineteen apartments.  All sizes, from 175 square feet to an amazing one bedroom with hardwood floors and high ceilings that was about $150 over my budget.  I feel in love with two of them, and of course they were the ones I cannot afford (hardwood floors and character).  I felt at home in two of them, and they are in my budget and I have applied for those.  Those are in the same neighborhood, about eight blocks apart, south of the university and close to the lake.  :)

I also received my acceptance letter to the School of Education on Monday.  

So it’s go time. 

I need to just secure a move in date and then pack.  I thought I would be freaked out about all of this.  I am not.  Change is something that I have learned to welcome in my life lately.  The last six or so years have taught me a lot about change.

I am nervous to move to Milwaukee.  None of the apartments we looked at offered free parking for tenants, prices ranged from $45 to $115.... so I will stress about finding a parking spot until spring probably.  I am nervous about doing this alone.  This is probably the push I need to break free of bad friendships and reconnect with good friends.  It is a change for me to learn to trust people again.  I am going to have to make friends in Milwaukee, and I will have to do so with my guard up but I am going to have to learn to step out from behind it once in a while.

All of this is scary and exciting!  I found this quote the other day and I am going to post it somewhere in my new apartment:  “I always did something I was a little not ready to do.  I think that’s how you grow.  When there’s that moment of ‘Wow, I’m not really sure I can do this’ and you push through those moments, that’s when you have a breakthrough.”  - Marissa Mayer.  Yep, I am not sure I can do this and am pushing through despite that uncertainty.

                                   <3  Megan

Acceptance

7/19/14

Acceptance from others is something I have struggled with my whole life.  I want to be smart enough, tall enough, pretty enough, bold enough, enough of whatever they want me to be.  With some people in my life it has been a lifelong process.  It has taken me almost forty years to figure out that I do not need their acceptance.  I need to accept myself as I am.  God created me uniquely and if that is not enough for another person than that person is just a written line in my story, and I should not try to make it a chapter, because they will only hold me back.  My journey needs to be about how I fulfill the purpose God created in me.  

This morning I woke up sobbing because I have not given this need to God.  I realized that some people will just not accept me for who I am, where I am in my journey.  By not handing it to God, I was still holding on to hope that one day I would be enough for these people.  I am ready to give it to God and move forward to serve my purpose.  

I am enough.  I am beautiful - inside and outside.  I am smart.  I can face the challenges that are laid out for me in the journey of my life written specifically by God.  

Mandy Hale, who has been an inspiration for me as of late, posted this on Instagram the other day, “Forgive me for picking up what I’ve already laid down at your feet.”  This is so true.  How often do we ask God to take our struggle and then we continue to struggle with it here?  I do not plan on picking this struggle up again.  I will always have good and bad days about my looks, but I know that God created me and in his eyes I am gorgeous!

Have a terrific day!

Megan :)

7/11/14

Those who know me understand that I do not speak my mind openly and I tend to keep my opinions, ideas and problems to myself.  I like to think that I keep more inside than the normal person.  I do not have close friends who listen to my ranting about issues that occur.  With this being said, lately, my voice has emerged and I have found myself saying things that would offend even me.  I have learned that I need to be honest with people and this will not always be pleasant for them but it is necessary for growth - in them and mostly in me.  I have come to realize that I do not want to “pretend” to be friends with anyone anymore.  Fake promises, fake relationship status and fake people need to be evicted from my everyday life.  Other bloggers or people I follow on social media have all been saying the same thing - evict these negative people from your life.  I have become more bold in my words and to be honest, I expect people to do the same for me.  I want to know if I have offended someone, and I want to know if I am of value to my friends.  I have spent many years feeling that I have no value and there are days that I still struggle with that.  Everyone we meet, cross paths with or even smile at, has value in our everyday.  I value my friends honesty and truth and ability to help me grow as a person.  

The devil reminds me everyday of my failures and how I am not of value.  What is so very amazing to me, is in the same thought or breath, God reminds me of how unique I am and how valuable I am.  I am made in Gods image and God does NOT make junk.  I am put on this earth to have purpose, a purpose to better this earth from when I arrived. To make others feel valuable.  To be honest and truthful to those I love and cherish.  

Obviously, I have struggled with a few relationships this year as the last two posts have been about them.  This year has brought many challenges in relationships for me and has closed many doors.  I am grateful for each of them and I look forward to what else is in store for me.  Even though I am so very afraid of the doors that will close (or slam shut in my face).  

This journey of life is scary and every day, I will continue to do something to conquer my fears, no matter how small it may be. :)

Megan

Relationships

6/17/14

“You don’t lose friends, because real friends can never be lost.  You lose people masquerading as friends, and you’re better for it.”  Mandy Hale

The end of a relationship is something that I dread.  I would much rather have a relationship fade out.  Like when I move teams at work and I don’t see people everyday, and I understand that we were friends because we sat next to each other - that kind of fading out.  

Relationships complicate life, friendships or romantic.  As you meet people and try to work them into your existing schedule with family and friends and work and school and social activities, you grow attached and try to see the future with this person and how the future will include them.  

As you do this, you need to spend time with this new person over your other friends so that you can learn more about them and if they are a good fit for you or not.  Sometimes this new relationship shows lots of promise and you do take the time to invest in it.  So you start introducing them to your current friends and family circle.  This complicates it more.  

As I have learned over the last six years, I do not like losing people.  I have made and lost several friendships and many romantic relationships.  It is getting harder to move on and try to fill the void that the new person left with the friends and family that you still have around because you have created so much time for the new person.  

I think that this is something that scares me most about the next part of my journey.  Moving to a new city and maintaining the solid, life long relationships with my friends and family that will still be in Green Bay and trying to create and develop new relationships in Milwaukee.  I do not handle small talk well, I do not like big groups or large friend outings, and I need my space.  I am a classic introvert - which surprises most people because I have grown to play an extrovert in real life ;)

However, with each ending of a relationship of any kind, I have learned what is important to me and what I need to find in the next relationship - again, friendship or romantic.  The things that I find important in a person are: honesty, loyalty, time, a good combination of listening and venting, hugs, understanding, acceptance and a little adventure.  

Please do not misunderstand me, I have ended my share of relationships too over the last thirty-nine years, but I tend to take longer to see that it will not work.  I do not like to give up on people or ideas or goals.  My needs as a person have changed too.  I also understand that sometimes I am not an easy person to get along with.  

With all of this said, I truly love and cherish my solid relationships.  Some people I do not see everyday, nor once a week, but your presence in my life makes a difference.  Some people are just friends online and that too is ok and I value those relationships too.  

So Thanks for being my friend!

Megan

 

5/28/2014

Yesterday I went to the University of Wisconsin at Milwaukee to discuss my course of action to attend their post baccalaureate program for getting my teaching certification.  I was very early and walked around the block of the building where the education department is.  I like the neighborhood.  Two blocks east of the campus are single family homes and they are on quiet streets.  Similar to Evanston, IL where my sister used to live.  

I signed in for my appointment and the advisor was awesome.  Then she started to outline my course schedule for fall and winter and spring..... I have to take eight (!!!!!) general education classes to be admitted to this program.  Economics, psychology, a First Nations course and several others because these course I took and passed at NWTC do not transfer into UWM.  

At first I was in shock.  Then I got upset and wanted to cry and scream. (I JUST WANT TO TEACH KIDS WHO NEED IT.)  I have done these!! I was expecting to take classes this fall, but I was not expecting a full load of five classes.  Then I need to take one class over winter interim.  Five more - finally for education! - in spring.  Two or maybe three over summer.  Then FINALLY I will be fully in the education program I want for fall of 2015 and only have two semesters left.  This process is frustrating to me and it feels like I am being held up on the way to my goal of teaching.   

So after I had dinner (At Ally’s Bistro - it was FANTASTIC!) and was driving home, I prayed and talked it out with God and this is his plan for me.  I am now looking forward to taking these easy classes this fall and taking on this task he has set in my path.  This is what he needs me to do to make a change in the world on this journey I have embarked upon. 

Today, I am at peace with the fact that in a little more than six months, my world will be turned upside down.  I will have taken another full class load at another university, I will be moving to a new city that I am unfamiliar with and just turning the page in the book of my life.  

Still, I am afraid of leaving my comfort zone....... but as my very close loved ones know, it is what I am called to do. :)

Megan  

Changes

1-28-14

Wow a new year.  I am not looking forward to this semester as I am taking my first ever online course.  I will graduate in May with my History degree but will need to find another university to get my teaching certification done.  I am leaning towards Milwaukee as they have an urban program that will give me all I am looking for to teach and wanting to teach in Milwaukee or another urban setting, finishing my schooling there makes sense. 
So with that being said, moving to a larger city by myself is scary.  I am really struggling with this.  I sometimes have small panic attacks as I will be leaving my family and job and security of Green Bay to pursue this dream.  I know it is what I am called to do and it is what I started this journey for but it still scares the crap out of me.  It has just come up so fast, reminding me that life does not stand still no matter how scared you are....
My daughter is expecting her first child in August so I will be leaving my grandmother duties as well as my motherly duties to pursue my dreams and goals.  It makes me feel selfish and I hate that feeling.  It is not my intention to leave her with all of these big changes, and I will always be available when she needs me.  

This is the year of many changes.  All of them will make me uncomfortable and uneasy.  I will have to rely on my desire to change small things along the way and the knowledge that this is God’s plan for me.

Megan